Perhaps its just that my back has been feeling not so great for a few weeks so I’ve been hyper-aware of my body, or maybe its that time in the spring when everyone starts to come out of hibernation—but I have been feeling overly busy and tired. Consequently my apartment is a mess and I feel behind on just about everything. Mercury must be in the microwave again.
Sometimes you hear that mercury is retrograde1 or perhaps you find yourself thinking “what’s up with the planets— is that why everything has been kind of a mess lately? I should ask a white girl with a nose ring.” Well, friends, I am that white girl.
Step 1 - Panic
When I’m feeling that stressy overwhelmed feeling, I’ve started training myself to refocus myself and my energy. Coincidentally based on my 2024 Tarot spread, April’s card of the month is Judgement. My intuitive reading of this card is usually to attend to my judgement, to become more discerning with my time and energy. The way I practice being more discerning and refocusing is with meditation.
My meditation practice looks like sitting quietly every morning for 10 minutes or so before I get out of bed and attending to my breathing. I think people often assume that to be “good” at meditating, you have to clear your mind entirely and perfectly for hours at time.2 I don’t know anyone who can do that, but I do know that over time, as you stop and intentionally place your focus somewhere (your breath, a mantra, etc) you have to return your focus less frequently. Practicing being an observer of your breath builds your capacity to observe (rather than participating with or judging) your thoughts, letting them float past like clouds in the sky. Each time returning yourself to observing your breath. The return of focus is the muscle you are building while you meditate. The mind will (over time, with practice) stray less often, though it will always stray— that is normal.
So when the wheels of my mind are churning, I have learned that I am best served when I take time to stop and breathe. Somehow breathing intentionally slows down time, and lets me calm the mind-stuff, called chitta in Sanskrit. It is possible to train your mind to the return, so you are less carried away with the fluctuations of your mind and can act with intention.
Let it Go
A more traditional reading of the Judgement card is as a metaphor for resurrection or as a call to adventure. And it feels right to think about resurrection, re-birth, and heeding the call while Mercury is retrograde in Aries. In ancient Greece it was believed that planets in retrograde were journeying through the underworld, gathering insights, perspectives, and information from the unseen world. Now is a great time to journey inward and seek insights from Aries.
“With resurrection as a metaphor, we choose to live as if life has an eternal and objective meaning, even though we know, at a rational level, that everything must end. It means choosing to put the past behind us and live toward a new future in which the mistakes and losses of the past could be replaced by better choices and new opportunities”
Richard Bulzacchelli, professor of Theology3
The moon was new this past Monday for the eclipse and Mercury is retrograde in Aries until April 25th— a perfect time to pause and evaluate. It is (as the excellent astrologer Colin Bedell4 says) an opportunity to rethink and reimagine everything that Aries is. Aries is a sign with big, firey, passionate energy. The Judgement card is a call to action, an invitation to change old ways, leave the past behind and forge a new way. To forget what we are not and remember who we are.
Mercury retrograde in Aries is asking us to get really clear on what do I want? We always seem to know what we don’t want, but fear truly wanting. For me, desiring something with my whole heart has made a buffoon out of me in the past— so yeah, I’m a little hesitant to want something with my whole chest. But Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, it has no past and calls us to forget ours (at least temporarily).
To be engaged in the fire of desire, the spark of want— that is to understand what Aries has to teach us. That turning toward our desire turns us toward our divinity, turns us toward Source. Similarly, hearing the call is not the same as answering it; in fact we know many stories where the hero refuses the call at first, just as we stay stuck in the status quo. In order to move forward, we have to leave behind and forget anything we do not need for the journey ahead.
The Call is Coming From Inside the House
Which brings us back to mindfulness and resurrection. Learning to let go of what will weigh us down on the path forward in order to make space for the things that we do need is the lesson of both Judgement’s call to action and Aries. Practicing mindfulness will fill our pack with the things we need to step into being, like clarity, courage, and agility of mind.
In resurrection, remembering, rebirth, we also have to forget something: we have to forget about the limitations that come with being human in the physical world. Aries is the I AM of the zodiac, carrying the bravery and wisdom of the beginner’s mind into the rest of the cosmos. Aries, and especially this retrograde, are reminding us that perhaps we have been hurt in the past, but that was then and this is now. In the now, an I that feels worthy and deserving is able to declare and define their own desire and identity. Our task is to find a way to continue living in alignment with what is precious even as the world burns around us, even when we have been burned before.
There is a teaching in non-dual tantric philosophy that the power of the Universe (the Shiva/Shakti) chose to be embodied in each of us in order to know itself better, but in order to do so has to forget its divinity. Moments of revelation are part of the dance and pulsation of the universe as we experience the divine inside ourselves over and over. This is a remembering for when the call is coming, but I am hesitant. I have been a fool before— is this too much of a risk? Do I have the courage to be as Aries calls me to be— in alignment with my desires, full throated in my wanting?
That is the kind of courage that feels like Aries, like discernment, and like putting down the baggage of the past. A yoga teacher friend of mine quoted a teacher of hers in class once to say; the fire will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not. The kind of fire that burns away everything that is no longer ours to carry, that catalyzes a future focus that is not tethered to the failures of the past but instead aligned with the desires of the future. This month, this retrograde, the call is coming from inside the house— to step into that transformative fire, to recall our true natures, and embrace our wanting.
Thank you for reading! And thank you for coming back even after I missed a week, I guess the Universe thought it was a good opportunity for me to practice giving myself grace. I hope you’ll share it with someone you love.
A quick primer—a planet being retrograde essentially means that from our vantage point on earth, that planet (in this case, Mercury) appears to move backwards on its orbit. When this happens, it is common to find yourself, among other things, re-evaluating aspects of your life and experience.
This is imagined— I don’t think you can get “good” at meditating any more than you can get “good” at existing.
As quoted by Jessica Dore in her wonderful book Tarot for Change. A great primer if you’re getting into tarot reading and looking for a very practical, manageable guide.
Follow him on IG [at]queercosmos.